finding the time and space for myself
I’ve been forcing myself to get out of bed on time, work on my creative projects, and mold myself into a routine.
I used to see myself as an ambitiously, lazy person.
I’m not even sure if the two go hand in hand. But, sometimes I would have random bursts of motivation where I’d do so many things at once. But then, I would fall in to a rut so deep that it would cancel out any projects or skills that I had developed in that brief moment of inspiration.
I noticed this continuous pattern and got so tired of it. It would start at the beginning of each month as I filled my goal board with ideas I hoped to accomplish in thirty days. But, as soon as weeks 2/3 would come… I would be exhausted. I’m not sure if it was just mentally. But, I would not leave my bed for two weeks. I would stream countless Netflix shows.
I think I simply always bit off more than I could ever chew. Despite all of the warnings to take each goal one step at a time, I figured if I just worked hard enough…I could make those leaps and bounds. And to a certain extent I was right. But, on the other hand jumping for long periods of time isn’t exactly the most sustainable. So, during the times I had lazy days/weeks, I would feel crappy. Like I was a lazy person.
How could I have all of these dreams and have the audacity to waste my time away?
It’s a toxic mentality to have to be frank. But, I only share it with you now because I know that I’m not the only one.
In fact one of my favorite artists, Andy Mineo, recently released a song reflecting my thoughts.
“I feel guilty every time I watch TV
I feel like I ought to be working
I feel like there’s things I still want to be
And it isn’t gonna happen if I’m just relaxing.”
To be honest it’s hard to get out a bed, to stay inside all day. Quarantine still feels a bit weird to me. I try to go on walks to get some fresh air, but I miss the people. Where are the people? But, as time is in a stand still, I feel as though this is my only opportunity to make my dreams happen. If not now, then when else? But, this time has also given me the opportunity to reshape my vision on what those dream are. I’ve loved that.
I value balance. I enjoy my long mornings with a hot cup of coffee. I’m learning to enjoy the creative process and not rush through it.
I have to remind myself that where I am now, is exactly where I need to be. I’m not in a rush.
So lately, I’ve been having a fluid routine. I’ve been more productive. I’ve been happier. I’ve been getting enough sleep. I’ve been talking to my loved ones.
Life has been good. I’m grateful for that. Even on days when, I just want to watch TV… I enjoy that time for myself. Check in with myself.
Maybe that’s what I just hope to leave with you all. Enjoy your time. It is yours. Ambitions aside, 2020 has been a rough year for all of us. Allow yourself the space to rest. To check in with yourself. To do whatever routine makes you feel normal.
You’re all worthy. We’re all worthy of that kind of peace.
